the secret of self-sabotage and how to avoid it

Last night I watched Brittany Runs a MarathonI wasn’t sure how much or if I would appreciate the gut-wrenching story of a woman who overcame personal insecurity through exercise. I have experienced the benefits of training as a way to diffuse a variety of health issues, and I am overwhelmingly surprised by the emotional impact of Brittany’s crossing the finish line.

I’ve spent the entire weekend nursing a sinus infection, and unfortunately, the migraine triggered. It’s been months since my last, and in its absence, I’d forgotten how debilitating they can be. From the pressure-induced headache, its intensity on my neck, the inability to do much of anything except sleep. I‌ had my fill of rest over Christmas break, or so I thought.

The irony, of course, is that I was boasting the day before my flight about how I‌ had nipped the migraine cycle with acupuncture. But this weekend proved otherwise, knocking me off my feet. And were it not for an infrared sauna, CBD, and essential oils, I’m not sure how I would have managed the pain. I‌ opted for Eastern medicine practices rather than over-the-counter medication mostly because I‌ couldn’t stand to be outside absorbing the smells and the sounds of the city; the closest pharmacy was too far away. It may seem odd to the able-minded, but when you’re in a migraine fugue, the prospect of ambient sounds, and yes, even voices, elicit a different kind of torture worse than an earworm.

The mental entrapment is unforgiving. When it reaches its peak, the best release is in a wave of burning tears. Sometimes a good cry is what you need to reset, and Brittany’s achievement and reconciliation of self turned out to be just that. It was also a reminder of sorts.

During my week away, I indulged my cravings for sweet and savory, for sleeping in and lying about watching movies and playing board games. I‌ cast my 3-5x weekly yoga schedule aside and, in doing so, tripped myself up physically and mentally. The red-eye flight may have been the final straw, but my laziness was self-sabotage at its worst.

This morning I could feel my energy slowly replenishing, the headache retreating, and with it the aches and pain. My hunger returned as well, and with it a resolve to take better care of myself no matter where I might lay my weary head.


mind over matter

Overwhelmed by space.
The same space I’ve had for years:
something is different.

Room by room: I see
colors, linear clutter,
compromised feng shui.

Every single day
there’s an unorganized mess
where once was order.

Sunrise to sunset,
eyes flutter, spider webs spin
spotless illusions.

I wake to madness:
Multiplying dust bunnies;
mismatched missing socks;

soap scum marble tiles;
dirty dishes in the sink,
an empty icebox.

Piles of paper notes:
to do lists of a decade.
Rugs that need shaking.

Doors that need caulking.
A brain that needs a refresh,
sponges it all in.

On these days, I sleep
and dream in resolutions:
of clean house, and mind.