who’s on first

Today is Tuesday. The last day I consciously remember is two days past when I was almost well. In the past 36 hours, I’ve battled headaches, shades of dysentery, earworms, nightmares, the ghastly voices of self-doubt in my head, the internal cries of my body craving sleep in daylight, twilight and every time in between. The modern-day torture is not listening to your body when it tells you to sit still.

Sitting still, it was a challenge in the beginning but something I’ve grown accustomed to now. This new idea of being at peace with being alone with myself. This act alone is a fear of others, something noticeable once you take a step back and witness how they fill their time with distractions and folly.

It’s one of the reasons I committed myself to say yes more often. Yes to helping someone with their project, yes to spending time with new friends, yes to travel and trips for any reason rational or not, yes to more work with a colleague.

This art of saying yes can be tricky if you do not stay true to yourself. And this person who is so used to saying yes to others, finds herself in a battle of wits, in the act of self-preservation of emotion and heart, to prioritize her dreams and herself.

She is still learning; I am still learning this daily practice of deciding who’s on first.


strong enough

this monotonous life:
i thought I would be the one
traveling the world.

one city a year,
in and out of love, never
living in the past.

these past twenty years
all spent in one place. I had
dreams of city lofts,

houses by the beach.
weddings, children, holding hands
skipping far away.

hopeful, open to
repotting my roots. And yet
they’re tangled right here.

i’m still young enough
to change my mind, pick up, leave…
if only i could

will myself to go
move onto the next chapter
before its too late,

what have I to show?
gone in the blink of an eye,
time waits for no one.

lingering self-doubt
swims in shallow pools of woe.
my heart is racing–

how have i stayed here?
it starts: the panic attack,
thoughts hazy, unclear.

why didn’t i take flight?
am i self-sabotaging
who i’m meant to be?

this dark blue mood
troubled tributary
hope it passes soon.