strong enough

this monotonous life:
i thought I would be the one
traveling the world.

one city a year,
in and out of love, never
living in the past.

these past twenty years
all spent in one place. I had
dreams of city lofts,

houses by the beach.
weddings, children, holding hands
skipping far away.

hopeful, open to
repotting my roots. And yet
they’re tangled right here.

i’m still young enough
to change my mind, pick up, leave…
if only i could

will myself to go
move onto the next chapter
before its too late,

what have I to show?
gone in the blink of an eye,
time waits for no one.

lingering self-doubt
swims in shallow pools of woe.
my heart is racing–

how have i stayed here?
it starts: the panic attack,
thoughts hazy, unclear.

why didn’t i take flight?
am i self-sabotaging
who i’m meant to be?

this dark blue mood
troubled tributary
hope it passes soon.